random thoughts | february '15.


let go
1. allow to escape, set free.

As the days go by, I count my blessings. I may pray only some nights but still I'm aware of everything I'm blessed with and that makes me realize a thing or two. When my panic strikes me, when life gets hard, when I'm so completely messed up I don't think I'll ever find a way out, there are a few angels that bless me with their ears, their hearts, their words of wisdom or their simple, quiet but valuable support. Everybody struggles. Everybody feels pain, despair, heartache. It's the ones who are there for you, really there, that help you walk through that pain. 

Perfection is nonexistent. I'm sure I've failed people I loved many, many times before. I actually happen to know it pretty clearly. Still, it's different in a way. I miss who we used to be. I feel sad for how easy it is to not belong among the ones who meant the world to you at some point in life. I feel jealousy, I feel betrayal. But I don't have the strength to feel any of that anymore. 

As the months go by, I learn to let go. With every piece of information I keep to myself. With every text I never send. With every space that grows between us, I care a little less. I set myself free of the pain of setting you free. If it was meant to be, we'd still be hanging out in malls for a quick laugh and some catch-up. We'd still be in each other's lives but that's not how it is. We talk to each other once a year but only because of the guilt of missing out on one another's life. We hardly acknowledge each other when we meet in a bar or we just exchange some empty words in a bus because there's nowhere else to go. We hardly even speak to each other at all. 

I guess people just grow apart and I accept that. It just feels like a really painful paper cut because I'm the only one sticking out while you're all still together. I'm the bird who fell off the nest and that bothers me sometimes. Am I too messed up to belong? Is something wrong with me? But then again, I think about all those blessings again and I feel relieved. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. It doesn't really matter because there are a few ones who still stay strong by my side. 

The ones who I don't feel the need to think for a second before telling the most embarrassing, personal things. The ones who push me to be better, who give me the courage to face my fears and have fun while still doing this. The ones who believe in me, even when I can't find the strengh to believe in myself. The ones who may be physically or emotionally distant but that in a heartbeat stand by me as if they've never left. The ones who I may party with but that are not just party friends because they're there too when everything falls apart. The ones who I've hurt pretty bad before but who have found forgiveness in their hearts to still be there for me.
The ones who really, truly care. 

Real Friends.

It may take a while to let go when you let life do the dirty job for you but it's better.
It gives you a sense of fairness. It's not me, it's not you. It's us.
The us we no longer are.

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